Welcome to Part 2 of our 2 part discussion on this summer's upcoming disaster - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This may sometimes turn into a rant about other movies that have or are pissing me off, but I'll try to keep it focused to this train wreck, nay, this implosion, that will be the fourth installment of Indiana Jones.
When last we left Indy, in The Last Crusade, everything seemed to be finished, right? That's what I thought. His name was explained, the day was won, the Holy Grail was found, the Nazis were defeated, everyone had a highball and called it a day. So why, nineteen years later, do we have the new final installment? Why was this idea pitched ten years ago, which would have still made it nine years after the Last (note the word Last, you can dictionary.com it if you'd like) Crusade? There were no laments, no cries going, "How can we go on without the full story??" as there were with Star Wars - the only thing about this movie is money, pure and simple. That and beating a long-dead, nay, humping its corpse at this point. Secretariat should be afraid.
But who really needed to do this? Spielburg? Please. Harrison Ford? No, and I won't even accept a mid-life crisis argument, he's past mid-life. So that leaves George "I am a gigantic fucking douchebag" Lucas. This guy has to be dumber than a retarded billy-goat bred in the back hills of Alabama, or he is so protected from the outside world and its opinions that he seemed to miss the past nine years of bitching about his mangling of the Star Wars Universe. Or it may be a case of intense denial, as I have heard him say that he still believes in the three films he made to explain Episodes IV - VI. And this is the same guy who came out and said that he doesn't believe this Indian Jones film is going to be that great.
Please digest that for a second.
Give it two.
Three would be too much, because blood might start dripping from your tear ducts as your brain goes into overload. The same guy who said Episodes I - III were good films is saying that this Indiana Jone movie (which he originally wanted to subtitle, "And the Saucermen from Mars," look it up on cnn.com) is not going to live up to expectations. It will go one of two ways - 1: he is no judge of what constitutes a good movie and this will actually turn out to be amazing 2: watching it will produce a similar effect on people as was witnessed in the closing scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
IMDB this guy, please and your head will spin. He came up with American Grafitti, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones. Then he spent his time doing projects about the Ewoks, Droids of Star Wars, Willow (can't say he came up with it, because it's a horrible Lord of the Rings knock off), and in all that time of making so much money he has it coming out of his ass, he found time to write Captain EO. Yes, you heard it here, that ride at Disney that was about Michael Jackson. He wrote that.
The guy came up with two of the greatest ideas for a franchise ever, but that does not make him God. He should not be allowed near a script, behind a camera, or anything. There should be 10 studio execs always sitting there going, "Ok, one thing you said made sense and is brilliant, let's run with it...and where the fuck did you come up with the name Jar-Jar? Do you have a stutter now? Has all your riches and wealth affected your speech?" Which is why I can't figure out why he made this movie to further tarnish his image.
Look, before I said it was about the bucks, but it can't be. This guy, in his heart of hearts, honestly believes he has great stories left to tell, but this isn't the case. He has poor parodies left of his stories, and the fanfiction writers are doing a much better job with the universe he created. He is not J.R.R. Tolkien, and the sooner he gets over this, the better.
Harrison Ford, you are now next in my line of fire. How much blood money did they give you to take this role? Every man has his price, and I think they found yours. And that's ok, I'd rather see you doing this than playing Han Solo's father Eps I - III, because I'm sure it was tossed around. But you do realize you are now older than Sean Connery was when he played your father in Last Crusade, right? By five years, just so we're clear on that. "Dad," was holding you up in that movie, too. So how are you kicking ass and taking names in this one? And as Blogi pointed out, Harrison Ford doesn't read old at first glance. He doesn't. But look at the poster for Last Crusade and then look at the poster for Crystal Skull and you will be aghast. I guarantee it.
Ok, I think I'm done and I've covered my bases. Watched Across the Universe tonight and I was so horrified by it. Blogi loved this movie, but I'm sorry, it played like one long music video and a bunch of puns on Beatles' songs, "aren't we clever?" No, you're not. Lines like, "She came in through the bathroom window," are not cute, funny, or deep when literal, and leave nothing to the imagination - even Helen Keller could have seen that line coming as soon as the physical action was played out on screen. Also, a mantra all musicians should repeat, "If I am not going to do something interesting with a Beatles song, I shouldn't cover it." Every time you pick up a guitar or warm up your vocal chords, remember this, because they are the Beatles, and you are not. Unless you're McCartney or Ringo, because technically, you were. However, this movie went to great lengths to pay homage to the Beatles in certain scenes and did a lot of interesting visual work. But that doesn't get it off the hook though. In the range of movies, I still say it's better than Attack of the Clones (horrible name), but not as good as Revenge of the Sith.
Which brings me to my final nerdy point(s). Lucas has no ability to make a title. In an interview once he said he wanted to title Return of the Jedi - Revenge of the Jedi...but Jedi don't seek revenge, so it was return. So was he honestly waiting 22 years to use "Revenge" in a title? He could have waited another three and made, "Indiana Jones' Revenge." Also, now that it's three years later, can we all admit that Ep III was horrible? It was bad, but at the time everyone was like, "It was good!" No, we were idiots, it was better than Episodes I and II, hell, Chewbacca grooming himself would have been better than those movies. Three years later, we can look at that movie and put it on par with Matrix Reloaded. Both of which opened with long drawn out dramatic scenes which looked to be parodies of their former glories. It was heartbreaking.
Oh, and IMDB says there's a live action Star Wars TV show that they're going to be premiering in '09. And you better believe I'd give my left nut, and all my pride, to be in it.
-Jobimoto out.
"Didn't we just leave this party?"
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